My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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