dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
