Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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