Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
