she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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