Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Acid is not a monday night drug
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
