I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I was not drunk enough for that final.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
