Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
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