Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
