no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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