my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
