I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
