there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
