I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Randomize
