I accidentally had phone sex last night
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I forgot wine drunk hurts
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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