If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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