we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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