my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
