Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
