I'm eating all of the evidence.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
