Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
