Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
