If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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