Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
