you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
