I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
It's like God shit irony all over that family
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
