look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
