i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
But break dance skills will only take you so far
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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