My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
