Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
