Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
