I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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