It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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