i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
We need to get me chipped asap
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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