I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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