Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
