i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
