i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
im six kinds of drunk right now
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
