just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
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