This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
