You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
