Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
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