I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
