I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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