your thong is hanging out like whoa
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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