one two three fourrrrnication!
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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