So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
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