can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
True strength comes from lack of pants
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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