Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
