I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
