It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
