i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
