I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
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